Useless

New blog design! So, my plan was to post pictures, but my computer has been really slow lately (it has some immortal virus in it that won't go away no matter what scan-type thing I run) so it would take forever. I'll do it another time or post them on flickr and link them here. This one is just me in the taxi on the way to the bus station from my hostel in Lima. It was the first picture I took here in Peru.

I've thought of about 50 blog topic ideas so far but between doing kids' laundry, mopping, helping with homework, studying Spanish, talking to fellow volunteers, and contemplating life, I haven't had much time to write. I know my last post was somewhat deep so if that was tough for you to get through, don't even finish reading this post.

I've been here almost 3 weeks now and last week, on Tuesday, I found myself feeling useless. Here I am this American girl who knows nothing about being Peruvian, nothing about not having loving parents, and little knowledge of Spanish. Here I am coming in to an orphanage with all my ideals about love and Jesus and poverty. I realized that I knew nothing. For a good portion of the morning, I felt like anyone could take my place and no one would hardly notice.

I read my daily devotion later that night. The last paragraph stood out to me:

"Notice God’s unutterable waste of saints, according to the judgment of the world. God plants His saints in the most useless places. We say--God intends me to be here because I am so useful. Jesus never estimated His life along the line of the greatest use. God puts His saints where they will glorify Him, and we are totally incapable of judging where that may be."

I immediately knew that the Lord was saying, "Are you kidding me, Kristi? Really? Like I just told you to go to the orphanage for nothing?" My feelings of uselessness escaped me in that moment. I struggled during the rest of the week and I still do sometimes. I probably will feel useless a lot more during this year. But that useless feeling has only brought me closer to the Lord and made me more determined to get my validation from Him.

I'm reading Gracias: A Latin American Journal by Henri Nouwen (thanks to Maggie and Molly!). During my what-am-I-doing-here crisis, I read a passage that God was using to speak life into my discouraging thoughts:

"At home we at least had our own niche in life, our own little place where we could feel useful and admired. Here none of that is present. Here we are in a world that did not invite us, in which we can hardly express ourselves and which constantly reminds us of our powerlessness. And still, we know that we are sent here, that God wants us here, and that it is here that we have to work our our salvation."

Nouwen is in my head. If you're wondering how I am doing, I would say I'm having fun, I'm learning Spanish, and the kids here are wonderful. Those things are true as equally as I am feeling useless and powerless. Please do not say, "Hang in there!" or "You're doing a wonderful thing, don't be discouraged." I am honestly at a paradox where I feel that I am right where I am supposed to be, but also right where I don't belong. I am not sad or depressed or worried. I am just processing a world that is very different from the one I've lived in for the past 24 years. All I ask of the Lord is that he use my weaknesses for His glory. I love Him a lot.